Back In The Closet?

BACK IN THE CLOSET

 November 26, 2014 10:42 am
LGBT seniors afraid they will have to go back in the closet

By Mia Sheldon  


When entering care, many LGBT seniors are afraid they will experience homophobia or discrimination because other residents or health care workers may not agree with their lifestyle.
16x9
Baby boomers have seen 12 Canadian prime ministers, the birth of the Canadian health care system and watched rights for LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender) people fought for, and won. But now as they age, many worry that those gains will not make it to the nursing home.


“People are not being treated the same,” says Bill Ryan, a professor of social work at McGill University. He has been studying LGBT health for 25 years and says many healthcare providers, long term care facilities and retirement homes simply do not know that some of their residents could be LGBT.

“If these places have more than 20 or 30 residents, they have people that are LGBT,” he says. “Just because someone doesn’t name their reality, doesn’t mean they aren’t there.”
When entering care, many LGBT seniors are afraid they will experience homophobia or discrimination because other residents or health care workers may not agree with their lifestyle. Ryan says some will conceal their sexuality and go back in the closet.

“…this man said when he went to visit his partner he would walk into the room and he would close the door and lock it, then he would go to the bed and he would help his partner into the bathroom and he would walk into the bathroom and close the door and lock it so 2 locked doors between them and anybody else and he would just hold him and hug him”, says Ryan. “It’s horrible not to show affection”.


Current research estimates that up to seven per cent of the senior population is openly LGBT.

The number of seniors in Canada is set to double in the next 25 years, up to 25 percent of the total population by 2036. Current research estimates that up to seven per cent of the senior population is openly LGBT. And the generation that fought for rights decades ago is set to demand the same equal treatment when their time comes for senior care.

Right now that equal treatment doesn’t always happen. Discrimination can be a dirty look from staff, a homophobic slur from another resident or facilities that do not acknowledge LGBT relationships.

“Regardless of what your policies are, regardless of what your thinking is, this is what our relationship is. This is who I am to her and who she is to me and this is how we want our relationship to be respected,” says Lorraine Sayell, 68.

Lorraine was born Lorne in 1946 and six years ago, at 62 years of age, she realized she was transgender, a woman born in a man’s body. She quickly transitioned: changed her name, got new ID, started taking hormones and came out to her wife Joyce after 47 years of marriage.

Lorraine realized she was transgender at 62 years old and came out to her wife Joyce after 47 years of marriage.
They refer to each other as “wife” and have started a new life for themselves as two women. They also want the same respect for their relationship if they enter long-term care.

According to Ryan, if they are ignored, it could become a human rights issue. “..if (homes) don’t change because it’s the right thing to do then the courts will be telling them that they’re acting in a way that’s unconstitutional.”
The answer, Ryan says, is in creating LGBT-friendly environments, where people want to come out. That includes asking residents how they identify, not assuming everyone is straight.

“It’s not that hard,” says Ryan.

Toronto’s Fudger House, a downtown long-term care facility, became gay positive in 2004. Becoming gay friendly includes training staff in diversity, creating LGBT friendly activities and programs to be more inclusive.

“In order to respond to the needs of our residents we thought we need to explore and travel the journey of improving, to make sure we are gay positive,” says Lorraine Siu, Fudger House’s administrator.


Alf Roberts, 85, is one of the 249 residents at Fudger House. Five years ago, when he moved in, he came out of the closet and admitted he was a homosexual.
It was a secret he had kept his whole life. But he finally felt comfortable enough at Fudger House to be himself.

But he is one of the lucky ones.

“I just hope that more homes across Canada will open themselves to LGBT groups,” Alf says. “As long as they feel they don’t have to go back into the closet that’s the big thing”.

16×9’s “Back in the Closet” airs this Saturday at 7pm.

© Shaw Media, 2014





more

Ageist Comments Discussed

This article comes courtesy of The Old Women's Project in San Diego, California. You can find more about them here. The Old Women's Project

---

REAL-LIFE EXAMPLES OF AGEIST COMMENTS WHAT THEY DO TO US HOW WE CAN RESPOND TO THEM

---

Here are just a few comments we have encountered recently. They come more frequently — as does our invisibility — with every year. We chose these as examples of some of the particular forms that ageism takes. The fact that we are political activists makes these examples more telling — in many cases the people who made their ageist comments are progressive people, who would usually show more sensitivity.   Most of the people who make these comments believe they are being “nice” — just as people believed they were being nice if they told a woman in a college class, “Wow, you think just like a man!” or told a person of color, “You know, you’re a credit to your race.”   The effect of these comments is not nice. If we haven’t learned how to recognize ageism, they can erode our self-confidence without our quite knowing why — there is just a nameless sense that people perceive us as Other. Even if we are anti-ageist activists, and can name what is happening to us, the effect can be painful. The first examples below are what we call the “medical model” of aging (click to Home Page). They represent what Golda Meir meant when she said, “Age is not a disease!” MEDICAL MODEL Example: You are a political activist in your early 70s, in excellent health, and you run into a young man in his early 30s whom you haven’t seen for awhile. You worked together a few years ago on a social justice issue, and you were on a panel with him where your topic was ageism. He comes up to you, and you have a friendly conversation. He tells you about his current political work and you tell him about yours. As you are saying goodbye, he takes your arm and says, “I’m so glad you’re still up and around!” He thinks he has said something really nice. But you are left in a kind of shock. You suddenly realize that he sees you in some entirely different way than you supposed. In the foreground for him is what he imagines as your imminent collapse. It’s not that you don’t want to be reminded of your mortality, it’s that you realize that’s the glass through which he saw you during your conversation. And if he sees you that way — this bright, progressive young man who’s heard your rap about ageism — that must be how many other people see you, not for who you are now but for the terrible abyss they see you about to fall into. Example: You are a feminist activist in your 80s, and you have been asked to give a talk at a large international conference. You are waiting for the plane with other feminists going to the same conference. A woman in her 50s comes up to you. “You’re Mary Jones, aren’t you? I heard you talk in Cleveland ten years ago. You’re still so agile! How’s your health?” Here’s a kind question, friendly question — why do you feel as though someone punched you? You realize that you are seen, not for the work that you have done or the work you are doing now, but for your potential medical condition. THE SERVICE MODEL In the Service Model of aging (click to Home Page), old women are seen not, like other people, as individuals first, but in one of two service roles: either as serving others — the all-giving, all-loving Grandmother, who does not think of herself at all, only the good of her grandchildren or future generations or the planet, and who will feed you cookies — or as needing to be served, the endlessly needy little old lady who will drain you dry. Example: The Old Women’s Project went to a Dyke March, carrying POWER, our large old woman puppet, and wearing our bright t-shirts that read “OLD WOMEN ARE YOUR FUTURE.” It was a large event with very progressive speakers. After the march, while we were standing waiting for the program to begin, three of the organizers passed by and stopped long enough to say, “Let us know if you ladies need anything.” How thoughtful? No. In our shorts and t-shirts at a Dyke March we were still “ladies,” and instead of “Love your puppet!” or “Tell us about your organization,” the young women saw our white hair and mentally clicked to the Service Model. EMBARRASSMENT FOR YOU The Old Women’s Project claims the word “old” because we are tired of people sparing us the embarrassment of acknowledging who we really are. It’s the manager of the grocery store saying, “How are you doing, young lady?” It’s the woman who gives you a vision test and asks, in a pained voice, as if she were asking about STDs, “Would you mind terribly if I asked you your age?” It’s the desk clerk at Motel 6 who says, “I hate to ask, but are you a member of AARP?” These messages, over and over and over, tell you that who you are is awful, an embarrassment to the world and surely one to yourself. Example: You are in your 70s, and work out at a small YMCA that has a great many old women as members. You sign up for a session with a personal trainer and arrange the meeting on the phone. You mention your age. Next day you are on a cross trainer when she comes up to you. You say something about how she was good to be able to pick you out, since there are so many white-haired women at this Y. She looks at you and at the other old women working out, and says piously, “I don’t see any white-haired women here.” There might have been a time when a woman of her education would have looked at a group of disabled people and said, “I don’t see any disabled people here,” or a group of Hispanics and said, “I don’t see any Hispanics here,” but it wouldn’t happen today. The real message is, I know you people must be embarrassed to be who you are, but I am such a good person that I don’t see your disability, your ethnicity, your age. Example: On a recent visit to a friend in a nursing facility, you hear a nurse exclaiming to a 98-year-old woman, “Oh, you aren’t old!" SURPRISE THAT YOU ARE REAL Younger people frequently react with amazement that an old woman is actually a woman just like anybody else. What a younger woman might say or do without comment becomes “Oh, you’re so cool!” or, even worse, “Oh, you’re so cute!” “Cute,” by the way, said of an old woman, does not mean “hot.” It means that she has said or done something that would not be at all remarkable coming from a normal person, but does not fit the speaker’s stereotypes about old women. HOW WE CAN RESPOND TO AGEIST COMMENTS (WITHOUT GOING TO JAIL) We will save our favorite response for last. So stay tuned. People understand even less about ageism than they do about racism, sexism, ableism, for example. Most ageist comments that are made to our faces arrive dressed up as compliments. This doesn’t make the attitudes reflected in their remarks any less hurtful, and the Old Women’s Project believes it’s costly for ourselves and for other old women if we just let ageist remarks pass because the speaker didn’t know how offensive he or she is being. It’s important for us to begin to show the patronizing, the insulting assumptions behind the compliments just as decades of education have taught us about certain “compliments” around sex, race, disability. We’re all still learning, but that’s no excuse. Old women don’t even have the decades of political education to draw on that would let us quietly remind people that a remark is offensive — because the person probably hasn’t a clue that age has anything in common with the other isms. We can’t educate them from scratch on the spot. But it’s unhealthy for us and for other old women just to let ageism slide by. What to do? When someone presents us with an ageist comment, we are sometimes just thrown by it. It helps to have a few resources at the ready. These suggestions are just a beginning. If anyone has ideas for other responses to ageist comments, send them to us at oldwomensproject@aol.com. If they sound useful, we’ll add them to this web site. 1. The most subtle response, which at least doesn’t let the remark go by, is to respond to their “kindness” in kind. Take the Medical Model examples. You could respond, cordially, “I’m so glad you’re still up and around, too!” At the Dyke March, you could say, “And let us know if you need anything too!” If someone calls you “cool”: “Well, you know, you’re cool too.” Responses like these at least lift the comment out of the age box it came in. 2. Compliments about how young you look or act or your youthful spirit can always be countered by a cheerful: “Well, actually, I’m proud of my age,” or “I feel as though I earned my wrinkles.” (Or — even more educational — “You know, I’m old and I like being old,” which will surely lead to: “Oh, don’t call yourself old! You don’t seem old at all,” which can lead to: “You know, as long as we all think it’s embarrassing to be called old, it’s going to be embarrassing to be old.”) A number of old women have picked up Gloria Steinem’s response, “This is what 60/70/90 looks like.” 3. Ageist comments are often not only inappropriate but actually bizarre (see “I’m so glad you’re still up and around!”), and the older we become, the more bizarre. We may be offended, hurt, but often our first reaction is one of just incredulity. We are tongue-tied, and want to say, “Huh?” One of the most effective responses is useful in almost all cases. It is above all handy when someone says something that takes your breath away by its inappropriateness. You can look back at them, preferably with no trace of hostility or sarcasm, and ask with genuine puzzlement, “What do you mean?” The beauty of this response to an ageist remark is that the burden is no longer on you to explain why what they said is offensive. It does not make you “feisty” or “crotchety” or “cranky.” It places the burden squarely on them to look at what they just said and figure out why they said it. It can make them squirm at what they just said the way you are squirming at what they just said. And it’s more educational than any mini-lecture on ageism you might deliver. He: “I’m so glad you’re still up and around!” She: “What do you mean?” (with genuine puzzlement) What is he going to reply? Fortunately, that’s not your problem, but he probably won’t say it to any little old ladies ever again.

The Old Women's Project San Diego, California Website:  www.oldwomensproject.org/index.htm

LGBT Seniors Facing Going Back Into The Closet

Coming out all over again: Why the first gay-rights generation faces familiar challenges in old age

WENCY LEUNG
The Globe and Mail
Published Thursday, Oct. 09 2014, 12:29 PM EDT
Last updated Friday, Oct. 10 2014, 4:49 PM EDT




With the generation that led the gay-rights movement reaching retirement age, many LGBT seniors are forced to relive the struggle for acceptance, and even re-closet, as they enter care facilities populated with a generation raised to believe that homosexuality is a crime. Wency Leung reports


Ginny Lundgren, left, and Paulette Kupnicki, take a walk outside their Windsor condo with Zooki. The long-time couple had to come out all over again when they moved to a retirement condo a couple years ago, to often unenthusiastic neighbours. (Photos by Glenn Lowson for The Globe and Mail)
When Paulette Kupnicki and long-time partner Ginny Lundgren moved into a Windsor, Ont., condo for retirees two years ago, Kupnicki wanted to get to know her new neighbours. She put up flyers on the building’s bulletin board, advertising a seniors’ games group and an upcoming play about LGBT (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender) issues, in which she was involved.

The games group flyer was left in place, but her notice about the play was anonymously taken down. Its removal set Kupnicki’s heart pounding: The thought that some residents did not welcome same-sex couples filled her with dread.

“I just spent a lot of money to move out of my house into this place,” says Kupnicki, now 70. “Honestly, I’m walking around with a lump in my throat, thinking, ‘What the hell am I going to do?’”

Stories like Kupnicki’s are all too common. The generation that led the gay liberation movement now faces the prospect of moving into retirement communities, nursing homes, and long-term care facilities alongside more elderly occupants who were raised with the notion that homosexuality was a disease, and a criminal act.

Stories of seniors having to relive their struggle for acceptance are rife. Fearing discrimination from service providers and their peers, some even retreat to the closet when they seek health and social assistance, hiding their sexual orientations, gender identities and domestic relationships. That can be emotionally draining, and have serious consequences on their mental and physical health.

“The number-one fear we hear over and over [from LGBT seniors] is having to age out of their homes, move into care and potentially re-closet,” says Dana Parker, executive director of the Vancouver advocacy group Qmunity. She notes that middle-aged and younger LGBT individuals rarely give that future prospect a thought.

The issues around integration and acceptance have kickstarted campaigns to raise awareness and tolerance in senior-care facilities, and to educate staff members trying to welcome their first wave of uncloseted LGBT residents.

And as the number of openly LGBT individuals swells among the senior population, the need for sensitivity and inclusivity in elder care becomes more pressing. According to a discussion paper released last month by Qmunity, the number of open LGBT individuals aged 65 and older is believed to be about 6.7 per cent of the overall senior population. In the B.C. Lower Mainland alone, that translates to roughly 25,000 people.

It’s a figure that’s expected to grow to reflect a shift in demographics that will see seniors make up an estimated 19 per cent of the province’s population by 2020, up from 15 per cent today. If attitudes don’t change, Parker says, LGBT seniors will be vulnerable to loneliness, isolation and at risk of not receiving the care they need.

Deep-seated fears of discrimination are hard to shake among those who spent much of their adult lives in a world that treated homosexuality as a crime or a disease. The Qmunity paper points out that those who are 85 years old now were already 40 when homosexuality was decriminalized in 1969, and 66 at the time sexual orientation became protected under the Charter of Rights and Freedoms in 1995.

These older seniors, who may have had relationships and careers ruined because of their sexual orientation or gender identity, aren’t likely to live openly in elder care, particularly if they are housed with peers who still hold onto their prejudices. It has fallen on less reticent LGBT boomers, who spent their youth championing gay rights and are now greying themselves, to advocate on behalf of their elders and to push for change in senior care.


“I’m an activist, so I’ve never been in the closet,” says Marie Robertson, community developer of the Ottawa Senior Pride Network, which provides diversity training to long-term-care workers, volunteers and clients of senior services. Now in her 60s, she recalls marching in the streets for human rights protections when she was 19, and she continues to defend those rights. “When I do training,” she says, “I’ll say to the staff: ‘This is who we are. We’re not going back into the closet when we go into care. So here, you’d better get ready.’”

Much of the sensitivity training around LGBT seniors involves creating a safe environment in care homes by building empathy, ensuring staff and volunteers understand historic hardships LGBT individuals experienced, and making sure the language used on intake forms and in brochures is inclusive. Through her work, Robertson has heard heartbreaking accounts of the fear and humiliation LGBT seniors face in long-term care, such as the gay couple who had to visit the washroom just to hold hands, or the transgender woman whose care-worker made a scene upon discovering she had a penis.

Social exclusion is only one of the fears seniors have of being outed. “They’re afraid if the staff knows that they’re gay, that diapers aren’t going to be changed as fast, the call bell is not going to be answered,” Robertson explains. “And the reality is that those fears are justified. That’s what happens.”

Shoshana Pellman, 68, of Toronto, became comfortable enough to be openly transgender in 2005. Although she lives independently now, the idea of returning to the closet if she needs senior care in the future is unthinkable. “It’s like, which part of my body am I going to basically amputate? What part do I have to get rid of to meet your needs or your demands?” Pellman asks. “If someone is forced back in the closet, they’re denying who they are. They’re losing a part of who they are. That’s so cruel… Basically, they’re just surviving. You’re not living any more.”

Research points to positive mental health and wellness benefits linked to coming out in supportive settings, with subjects showing lower rates of depression, burnout and anxiety, and lower levels of the stress hormone cortisol. However, being openly LGBT may have the opposite effects in environments that are not supportive, says Robert-Paul Juster, a PhD candidate at McGill University’s Integrated Program in Neuroscience.

Concealment, on the other hand, has emotional and cognitive costs, says Richard Ryan, professor of psychology at the University of Rochester in New York state. “For example, to conceal, one must constantly monitor oneself, which is draining and requires a cognitive load. Concealing also has emotional costs associated with lower self-esteem, more depression and other negative states,” Ryan said in an e-mail.

Juster points out that much research in this area, including his own, has focused on LGBT youth, but he says there is growing interest in examining the mental health of LGBT seniors. “There is this feeling that they’re an under-represented portion of the population that people don’t know very much about,” he says.

Aware of the need to address a growing wave of openly LGBT seniors, some care facilities are proactively reaching out to advocacy groups for help, says Steven Little, education and training manager at The 519 Church Street Community Centre in Toronto. Although they’re willing to make changes, most seniors’ homes don’t know where to start, he says, noting that mental health resources for LGBT seniors are scarce. And for the first time, service providers may be grappling with how to care for aging clients who have HIV/AIDS.


When it comes to welcoming LGBT seniors, Toronto’s city-run long-term-care homes have taken a lead. At True Davidson Acres, for example, administrator Carlos Herrera says staff and volunteers hold a variety of LGBT-friendly programs, such as shows starring a local drag performer, and movie nights featuring films such as Brokeback Mountain. They participate with residents in the city’s annual pride parade, are careful to use the proper pronouns to address transgender residents, and they’ve made sure a rainbow flag and pink triangle, symbols of LGBT rights, are visible at the entrance to the home, signalling to visitors and residents that it is a supportive environment.

To be LGBT-positive, Herrera says, “we need to see it, we need to hear it, we need to feel it.”

The results of such efforts can be life-changing. At True Davidson Acres’s sister home, Fudger House, resident Alf Roberts, 85, finally felt comfortable enough to be openly gay for the first time in his life after moving into the home five years ago. At last, he says, he can be himself. “I hope that, eventually, more long-term-care homes will be more open so that people don’t have to worry about coming into a place like this,” he says

Back in Windsor, Kupnicki eventually summoned the nerve to address the issue of her missing flyer during a building meeting by pre-emptively thanking her neighbours for welcoming her and Lundgren, and inviting them to join her group activities. Although she made a few new friends that day, some people refused to even look at her.

Kupnicki, who is involved in a 50+ Proud group that provides diversity training on senior care, says it’s difficult to have to come out of the closet all over again. “At times, you think to yourself, I don’t think I can do this one more time,” she says, noting it’s more challenging for people to disclose their sexual orientation when in ill health.

Kupnicki, who had a Catholic upbringing, knew she was attracted to both males and females when she was in grade school, but she quickly hid her attraction to women when her parents discovered she had been kissing a girl. She did not open up about it until entering a relationship with Lundgren 32 years ago, after leaving her husband. Even so, for years Kupnicki was careful about disclosing the relationship, referring to Lundgren as her “friend” in public for fear of losing custody of her children. The process of coming out was also fraught with struggles with disapproving family members.

Kupnicki and Lundgren married eight years ago, and though they now live happily in their retirement condo, having warmed up to even those who initially gave Kupnicki the cold shoulder, the memories stay with them.

“As I talk about them, it comes back and reminds me how painful some of that stuff was,” she says, noting each senior brings his or her own struggles when accessing services or entering care. “Even if you’re out and you’ve been out a long time and all the rest of it, those experiences sit in the back of you.”

Follow Wency Leung on Twitter: @wencyleung